“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
😂😂😂
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
April 1st is the class clown of days.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise