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Boom, boom, ching!
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
this is 10/10 content no notes
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
*frowns in Scottish*