It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
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angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
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