My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
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Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Gods work.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.