[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
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That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica