ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
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“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.