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When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.