Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
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Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer