Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
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[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.