My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.