Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
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No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
When they try to steal your moment.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.