Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.