My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”