I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings