We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
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a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
💯😂
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
never deleting this app.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.