Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
looks legit
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.