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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
lol
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board