Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
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5.awesome
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
This trial is so absurd 😭
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*