Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
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I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.