Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
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Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
The internet is full of many things
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.