Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
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I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements