TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
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Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Netflix and you sit over there.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.