date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
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Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”