If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
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doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
The USS B port
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
i can’t wait that long
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me