“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
You Might Also Like
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.