Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
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The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”