[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
You Might Also Like
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Home #decor warning.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about