if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
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ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
@ candidates for local office
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.