At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
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Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY