Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
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It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water