I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
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Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.