My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
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“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Sharon, call the vet
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT