*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
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As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman