So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
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How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.