6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
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[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??