Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
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I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.