*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
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I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I am a gravy boat captain
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*