I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
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If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)