The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
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Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.