Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
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Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game