If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
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DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
pat pat
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub