New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
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While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*