once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?