I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
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Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows