Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
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this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.