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Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.