Guilty! 🤪
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my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.