Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
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What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.