Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…