When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
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Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
this chia pet tastes awful
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken